'Til the butter melts

Pursuing the cruising dream in 32' of sailing ketch

Why is this so Hard?

6 Comments

When we were considering “selling out and going cruising”, I think we had a pretty good idea of what that would entail.

That is, we understood – at least in theory – the work involved and the tasks that would need to be accomplished.  Sell real estate, find a boat, upgrade and outfit for our trip, clean out the house, etc.  The work involved looked formidable, but perfectly doable.

What I don’t think either of us understood or anticipated, though, was the incredible emotional toll the process would take – and continues to take.  Getting rid of “stuff” is utterly exhausting and heart-wrenching.

I had no idea.

For me it’s been relatively easy, because I’ve been through 3 major purges in the last 10 years.  When I moved to Maine from upstate New York back in 2006, I left behind an entire former life: Marriage, children, farm… The works.  That process was long enough and challenging enough to last me a lifetime.

I mean really, how much can you fit in a 28-foot U-Haul?  I went through the grieving process for the loss, and pretty much closed it up.   Pretty much…

But Nicki hasn’t had that opportunity yet. When her first marriage ended an awful lot of the stuff and trappings of that 20 years just went into boxes – boxes that moved with her from there to, eventually, here, the house we’re now leaving behind. There just hasn’t been time to go through them until now, and even though there are no regrets for the ending of that relationship itself, those boxes represent an incredible weight of emotional struggle and pain and hopes and joys. Each one must be gone through, piece by piece, memory by memory, and all the emotions that go with those memories must be processed and filed and reconciled…

Three hours of that is about her limit.

And I get that, on an intellectual level. I understand how hard it is, in theory.

What isn’t happening, unfortunately, is an emotional acceptance of her struggle.  I’m impatient and childish and churlish and just plan hard to get along with, constantly wanting to scream “JUST THROW THEM AWAY!!”

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Not helpful, not supportive, not nice.  The urge to help by “disappearing” a few hundred pounds of it is strong, though I’ve resisted so far, but it was doubly unhelpful one day last week when I did accidentally grabbed the wrong box, and heaved into the dumpster a crate of papers she hadn’t yet looked through.  Argg!  I felt (and feel) terrible, she felt worse…

I don’t know what it is about her process that drives me so close to the edge.  Old memories? Shadow? Time concerns? We promised to be out of the house by June 30th, but here it is July 9th and we’re just this afternoon took the last carloads out to the dump, the storage unit, Goodwill, etc. Our landlord is being nice about it, but I’ve stopped giving him updates because I hate the sound of deadlines whizzing by…

But finally it is done.  We now live completely in a 35’ RV and a 32’ boat.  Ask me in a month how that feels – right now I’m pretty much numb.

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Author: s/v sionna

Living the dream in 32'. We left Maine on August 18th, 2016, and have gradually worked our way south until we felt warm enough. We've paused in Boot Key Harbor, and are now exploring the Keys until we leave the boat and return to Maine for a summer of employment. Follow our blog here, and follow our progress in map form by joining www.Farkwar.com!

6 thoughts on “Why is this so Hard?

  1. If I have discovered anything through my own life trials, it is exactly that all aspects of life have their own timeline. Wishing you both the very best!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending you both love and understanding. From someone who has been there, this too shall pass. You have an exciting adventure ahead. If you need anything please call.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s hard to rush that process. You are wise to let go and let her do it at her own pace. Letting go is such a personal thing. No one gets to tell anyone else how it’s supposed to go. I spent two months in tears going through our attic. Ugh. Glad that’s over. You’ll get there.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s such a time of huge change for both of you. Hang in there – it will all be worth it in the end.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Congrats on getting this far! Getting rid of stuff and adjusting to the new lifestyle takes time. I still have a few boxes of memories at my parents’ place. Every time I go to Belgium, I spend hours on the attic, going through stuff and having a hard time getting rid of things. In the end, I do toss quite a bit more each time and I have fun reminiscing. But, it remains hard to decide what to let go and what to keep when you have limited space. Now that you have come this far, life will be much easier, organized and compact! And, you can keep it this way, so you won’t have to repeat this tough process ever again. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks to all! We’re making great strides in the organization realm, so things are definitely looking up! And the dumpster went to the landfill and weighed in with 2.87 TONS of discarded stuff. I’ll save you the math, that’s 5740 pounds of discarded STUFF we hauled out of the house!
    Cool, eh?

    Like

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